Thursday, February 28, 2013

Normal or what?

Do you ever have those days where you want to just sit there and stare at the wall. Days where you don't want to do anything, not even think. Days where even music can't help. Lately I've been feeling like that. I've been feeling very alone and sad and unimportant. I've felt like this before, but worse. One summer, I think July, I got bad. I didn't eat. I didn't want to leave my room or go see people. I just wanted to stay alone. I felt like the worst person in the world. The most horrible, disgusting, fattest, unattractive, most hated person ever. I felt like the world would be better without me. I thought about that a lot actually. How everyone would be happier if I wasn't around because I always seem to mess everything up and make people made at me. I still do. I even still think about life without me. I've told myself over and over again that I could never actually do it. I could never actually kill myself. I did self harm. I cut my arms. I then decided I needed to hide it so I started carving words into my thighs. Fat. Stupid. Worthless. That lasted about 8 months maybe. I did stop. I threw it away and haven't done it since. I have thought about it, though. But I guess thinking about doing it is better than actually doing it, right? Actually, just ten minutes I scratched myself so hard my arms hurt. I gotta stop that, I know, but it felt right for some (strange) reason. It's not gonna go on forever, don't worry. But I still feel like that. I feel empty and I feel like no one understands. Well, unless someone else has been through the same thing. My mum told me that I could talk to her but I know I can't. I tried once. I told her I thought I was depressed. She didn't believe me. So I dropped it. But than a week later my sister told me that my mum told my dad and sister and they all sat there laughing at me. It made me feel even more like crap so I never talk to them. Maybe my mum believes me now. She does talk to me about it and she seems serious, but who knows. What I do know is that I want to get better. I want it to go away.

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