Sunday, January 20, 2013

One of the most important things I'll ever talk about.

Bullying. To me, bullying is one of the most serious things out there. Not physical bullying (Although, yes, that one is serious as well) but bullies using their words. I've heard so many stories where people, usually teenagers but not always, kill themselves because they are getting picked on. Because some person said one bad thing and another over heard. Because some person called them a bad name. Words. They're a powerful weapon everyone has but not everyone knows how to use properly. I was watching a talk show today and they talked about a girl who got things said about her. A girl who got called a slut because someone made a rumor that she slept with 6 guys. A girl who ended her life by jumping in front of a train while her friend stood and watched. Something else that really spoke out to me was that the people who were bullying her ending up crying for her as soon as she was gone. That sickens me. It's disgusting and makes you a horrible person. Why not be nice to this person when they're alive? When they can actually appreciate it? when they can actually hear it, feel it, even? What the world does, they pick fights, they become nasty towards others until others have had enough and do something tragic, then they try and make it okay by feeling sorry for them. By saying how beautiful they were when really, they could care less. They just want the guilt to go away. The guilt that it was their fault for pushing an innocent person over the edge. I just want to make it clear that suicide is not a cowards way out, and I hope everyone understands that. Really, it's just a way of saying that you've tried. You've tried so hard to ignore everything people say, to ignore those bad thoughts in your head telling you how you're not good enough, to ignore the physical and emotional pain people bring on you. Suicide is never the answer, in my opinion, because it's always horrible to hear that someone, anyone, killed themselves when maybe they had so much going for them but they didn't know yet. I like to believe that everyone can get better. It may take some time and it may hurt a lot but it can happen. Do you wanna know how I know it can happen. Because I'm living proof. A few months ago, maybe 3 or 4 (wow, it's been that long?), I was in a dark place. I didn't want to be around people cause all they did was bring me down. They hurt me in some way and made myself feel even worse about myself. I'm not a very confident person to start with so eventually my self esteem was down to 0. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I found joy in pain. I started cutting. Wrists and thighs. Sometimes I'd even hit myself hard enough, hoping I'd give myself a bruise. Luckily, I don't bruise easily. Then, as life got worse for me, I thought more and more about death. I'd look out onto traffic and think about walking in front of a truck, or I'd hoped I would cut too deep and end up killing myself that way. It was everyday these thoughts were happening. Now, I haven't told anyone else these. But I promised to be open and here it is. One day I woke up and everything felt fine. I felt a little better about life, about myself. I even felt happy during parts of the day. Than the next day came and I felt the exact same as the previous day, if not a little better. And everyday I'd start feeling my old, happier self return. But in between I'd have those moments, where I'd go back to the darkness. But it's only last an hour or so. Even today I still sometimes crawl into bed, put on sad music and cry about nothing. But I learned that that's alright. Everyone has days where they break down crying, and depression doesn't go away over night. Especially when you're not using any medication. I'm just learning to live my life, to be happy with what I have and to have fun. I'm trying not to let anyone bring me down. But like I said before, suicide is not a cowards way out, lots of people do it, and many more are going to continue to do it. But let me tell you this. I will stay up all night, as long as it takes, to talk someone out of killing themselves.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

When you treat me like....

When you treat me like a little baby that's when I stop talking to you and turn coldly towards you. I don't mean to do it, I know I should just tell them how it makes me feel, but it actually hurts so much I don't even want to talk to you. My friend.. or should I say 'friend', he likes to call me a 'wittle baby' just cause I suggest he take a nap because he complains he's just so tired. "Only wittle babies take naps" he tells me and that gets me bad. No, 'wittle babies' aren't the only ones who take naps. Sometimes people need to or they get too exhausted. It's just the way he treats me, like I'm a child, like I'm so immature that he has to 'simplify' things for me. That I'm stupid even. Well, no. I'm not. And until you start treating me better I don't consider you a friend anymore.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Just Wondering...

Do you ever look at the people walking down the street, or driving in their cars and wonder where they're going? For the past few months I have. I don't know if it's weird to think like that and if I'm the only one but it fascinates me very much. I get that most people are probably coming back from work or school but you don't really know that cause you don't know them. Maybe they've just come back from a friends house, a friend they've secretly had a crush on for a while. Or maybe they just came back from the hospital cause a sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Nobody knows. Sometimes I sit there, in the car, and look at people while the light is red, and wonder where they have been and where they are going. They could be running away and I would never know. I guess I like to dream about their lives. Hoping, wishing that everything is okay for them.

Friday, January 11, 2013

A New Beginning.

Alright, this is how it's going to go. I'm going to write, and if you'd like to, you will read it. I'm nothing special, just an ordinary (well somewhat ordinary) girl. But I'll take you deep inside my world. But before we do, I have to tell you that I'm scared. I'm scared because I am willing to share everything. I've never done that before, share everything. At least not like this. It's new to me, so bare with me and I'll do the same. Hopefully this will help me grow, maybe even help me understand who I am, because right now, I have no idea. So be patient. I'll try my best to open up, to be honest with you, and me, and let you know what's going on inside my mind. It might be a thought, something I'm incredibly passionate about, a poem, an opinion I have or a small blab about my day. I can't promise you it will be interesting or inspiring or even nice, but I can promise you it will be real. Now, I might not do this everyday. I apologize (or maybe not, seeing as you probably don't care or think I am horrible and wish I'd never write) but I will make sure I update as much as I possibly can. Now this part, this is just an introduction, just so you all can really get to know me, and know what's going to happen. My name for this blog is Amelia. I am 20 years old, almost 21 in March. I was born and raised in Canada but I have dreams, which I might share with you later, if I actually remember to. As far as family goes, it's pretty typical. Mum, dad, younger sister and two dogs. Well, there is the bunny, but that's my sister's and I don't really like her (The Bunny, to be honest.) Mum and dad aren't married, and I don't think they ever want to be. Don't worry, they still love each other lots, but they don't need to be married to prove it. besides, I think it'd be strange seeing them getting married. Mum in a white dress, she never wears dresses, and dad in a tux, I've never seen him wear one before. They just aren't the married type. And I'm perfectly okay with that. In fact, I prefer it. Makes it different than all the other parents out there. Well, seeing as it's late I think that's quite enough for now, right? Maybe I'll write again tomorrow. Maybe not. I don't know, yet. But I will be back, and I hope you will be as well.