Interview

So, I had my interview today. I was so worried for nothing. It literally lasted for 5 minutes. I was so prepared and everything. But most of the time when I come prepared my brain usually flops and I can't come up with the right answer. It's hell. Anyways, I hope it went well. Not sure, but she said she would call me tomorrow if i got it. And if she doesn't call than I didn't get it.

The bus.

You know what really bugs me? When you see someone sitting on the bus and they're sitting on the isle seats with no one sitting beside them. It's like they don't want anyone to sit with them so they sit on the isle seat looking like a fucking dick. Just stop. Stop. No one likes you and you look like a fucking idiot when you have to move over to let people sit beside you, you ass.

Jobs.

I've got a job interview on the 14th. I'm a mix of excited and nervous. I've never actually had a real job before, only babysitting. And being interviewed is like torture to me. I just hate talking about myself and I can never seem to come up with good enough answers. Well, I can but they never come out. It's like my mouth doesn't even care what comes out of it. It's embarrassing sometimes. I guess I just have to calm down and such. I know I'll do fine once I get there (hopefully).

Oh dear...

My sister and her boyfriend are having relationship problems. I feel slightly bad for them and wish they'd just work it out. He's over right now doing who knows what. But I will admit, they are moving fast. She told me they've already talked about babies and marriage and they've only been together for 2 months. Maybe 3. I am kind of jealous, not by how fast their moving. But how much they love each other. Will I ever find that?

Normal or what?

Do you ever have those days where you want to just sit there and stare at the wall. Days where you don't want to do anything, not even think. Days where even music can't help. Lately I've been feeling like that. I've been feeling very alone and sad and unimportant. I've felt like this before, but worse. One summer, I think July, I got bad. I didn't eat. I didn't want to leave my room or go see people. I just wanted to stay alone. I felt like the worst person in the world. The most horrible, disgusting, fattest, unattractive, most hated person ever. I felt like the world would be better without me. I thought about that a lot actually. How everyone would be happier if I wasn't around because I always seem to mess everything up and make people made at me. I still do. I even still think about life without me. I've told myself over and over again that I could never actually do it. I could never actually kill myself. I did self harm. I cut my arms. I then decided I needed to hide it so I started carving words into my thighs. Fat. Stupid. Worthless. That lasted about 8 months maybe. I did stop. I threw it away and haven't done it since. I have thought about it, though. But I guess thinking about doing it is better than actually doing it, right? Actually, just ten minutes I scratched myself so hard my arms hurt. I gotta stop that, I know, but it felt right for some (strange) reason. It's not gonna go on forever, don't worry. But I still feel like that. I feel empty and I feel like no one understands. Well, unless someone else has been through the same thing. My mum told me that I could talk to her but I know I can't. I tried once. I told her I thought I was depressed. She didn't believe me. So I dropped it. But than a week later my sister told me that my mum told my dad and sister and they all sat there laughing at me. It made me feel even more like crap so I never talk to them. Maybe my mum believes me now. She does talk to me about it and she seems serious, but who knows. What I do know is that I want to get better. I want it to go away.